Parachute Revision Exercise

Adapted from LaRene Despain's WRITING:

A WORKSHOP APPROACH

Contributed By

Sherill Cobb

The passage below, taken from a paper describing a first parachute jump, illustrates the wordiness and weakness of the verb "BE" . Even though the writer includes some sensory detail, the was's and were's flatten out the action as well as the repetitions such as "The big moment was fast approaching" and "The big moment was now only seconds away." Recast the sentences excluding the unlined words, replacing abstract words with concrete, and improving punctuation.

After about 10 minutes of flying time we were over the drop zone and the big moment was fast approaching. There was a loud rushing sound as the doors opened. The Green light came on and the first jumpers were put out. I was in the middle of the second stock of jumpers, so after going around and coming over for the second pass, we were on our feet. Then we saw the green light. The big moment was now only seconds away. I did not really know what to expect the first time. I was now in the door. A tap on the back and out into the wild blue yonder. I was counting, one thousand, two thousand, three thousand, four thousand, and I looked up to a very comfortable sight as I saw the chute billow out full above me. It was a very exhilarating feeling as I drifted earthward. The points we were taught in jumping school kept going through my mind as I neared the ground. "Just do like you were taught and you won't get hurt: feet and knees together, toes pointed slightly downward, knees slightly bent, relax when you hit."